Sharing My Angel

My personal journey to heal, accept and move forward after Melissa died was not easy. As I mentioned in my previous post, we are told there are stages of grief. I agree that there are stages but I know that it is a one step foward and two steps back kind of deal. We go through different emotions at different times, we go through the same ones more than once. And just when we think we are doing better, something triggers the raw emotions we thought we had dealt with and we are right back where we started. That is normal.

I remember feeling that if I let myself move forward, if I tried to enjoy my life again, I was betraying Melissa. I felt guilty if I laughed. I felt guilty if I didn't think about her all day everyday. The thought of moving on also made me feel I was further away from her. That may sound crazy but grief can make everything seem crazy.

Finally after three long years, I realized that no matter what I did, no matter how much I begged or cried, Melissa was gone and she was never coming back to me. I had three other children who needed their mother to be a mother. I knew I had to make some choices.

I honestly do believe that it is a choice to heal. I don't say that lightly. I really mean it. But I also know that each parent has to get there on their own. Each of our stories are unique and each of us have our own ways of dealing with our loss. But for each of us, there is the need within ourselves to find acceptance and go on. How each of us get there is an indivdual as we are.

Probably the most significant moment was when I realized that my daughter would not want me to grieve myself to death. She would not want me to miss out on all life had in store for me and her brother and sisters. I wrote in an email to a newly bereaved mother just the other day when the subject of the approaching holidays came up that I would never want Melissa to look down and feel that her life/death had made our lives so miserable that we didn't enjoy all the special days and holidays. I would want her to look down here and see that her mother has done remarkable things because of her and that her family is so thankful that she came into our lives. Her short time with us led to so much good and I thank God everyday for allowing me to be her mother. I would not change that for anything in the world.

I don't want to mislead anyone and make it seem that once I made the decision to move forward that there weren't still painful days. Over 18 years later I still have days that are very hard on my heart where Melissa is concerned. Her birthday is the most difficult day of the year. That day more than any other I wonder what she would look like. Mother's Day is bittersweet. I am so thankful for my other children yet there is that missing one who can't give me a hug and say "Happy Mother's Day." Even a day out with my other daughters can sometimes bring a moment of saddness. I can't tell you how many times I have been driving with one of them in the front seat and one in the back and I look in the rear view mirror noticing the empty spot and think to myself "Melissa should be sitting there."

I have healed as much as a mother can who has suffered the death of her child. I have found peace and acceptance. I am not the same person I was before she died. I am more compassionate and understanding. I am more grateful for all the little things in my life. I don't just love my children but also appreciate them and never take them for granted. I am more spiritural.

For anyone who has read all of the posts so far on this blog, especially another bereaved mother, I want to tell you that writing it has been very painful at times. Actually writing it has not been as difficult as when I went back and read it myself. At one point I sat here and asked myself if this is really my life I am reading about. I wanted to be honest. I couldn't start with my feelings today but had to go back in time to 1990 and be real about my grief then. In opening my wound and telling my story, I hope to give others hope. It has been a long, difficult road for me but I survived it. You can too.