The Journey of Grief and Healing

To any newly bereaved parent reading this, I want to be honest with you. There is no quick fix or easy path down this unexpected road that has been laid out in front of you. Each of us may handle the grief of losing our baby in a different way but the ultimate goal is to find peace, acceptance and a "new normal" in our lives.

For a very long time I asked "why". Why me, why my baby? For a very long time I was angry at God, angry at the world. I went through all the what ifs... what if I had done this differently, what if I had chosen different doctors, if, if, if............... That will drive you insane but I think we all do it.

When Melissa died, I knew no one who had lost a baby. I felt so alone and I knew I had to have help in dealing with my grief. I headed to the library in search of books dealing with the death of a baby. I found several and they certainly helped me but my saving grace was found in the resource section at the back of one book. There I found Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support. I immediately contacted the national office and was told there was a chapter in Shreveport.

I started attending the meetings and also receiving newsletters from the National Share Office. The parents I met at the meetings and through Share penpals, literally saved my sanity. With these parents I was able to truly open up and be honest about my pain. I could tell them about the nightmares, the desire to stay in bed with Melissa's pictures surrounding me, the bitterness towards pregnant women, etc. and NEVER be judged. Never be told I was crazy or just get over it! I learned through the other parents that everything I was going through was normal and most importantly I found hope.

Still, even with the best support in the world of other bereaved parents there were really bad days ahead of me. The first year after Melissa died was certainly the worst. All those first holidays were miserable. I remember during December that year I went shopping with my sister Cindy and walked up to a display of all the Baby's First Christmas" ornaments. Right there in the store I broke down sobbing. I had done everything possible to avoid the diaper and baby food isles in grocery stores but the reminders of what I had lost seemed to pop out of nowhere sometimes and I could not control my emotions.

I so vividly remember facing Melissa's first birthday. I woke up early that morning and accounted for each hour what was happening the year before. When the moments nearing her time of death were approaching I prayed....no, I begged God to undo what had happened and give her back to me. I felt if I prayed and begged hard enough I could change the outcome and have my baby with me. That certainly was a low point for me and made me really question my sanity. Grief is not easy on our minds or our hearts.

The journey continues............