April 16, 1990The days following Melissa's birth and death were filled with unimaginable shock and heartache. My aunt and husband had to make all of the funeral arrangements because I was unable to leave the hospital. The funeral was planned for a week later so that I could attend. I remember walking into the funeral home for the visitation and thinking that cannot be my child. I was not ready to accept it at all.
I ached for my other children. Lance, Jessica and Maggie were devastated. They were so young and it broke my heart to see them going through this. I will never forget the day that Lance came to me crying his little heart out saying that it was his fault that Melissa died because he was mad about me having another baby. I hugged him and told him that was not true at all. Jessica was the one who tried so hard to comfort and take care of me. Maggie wanted to be with her sister. It was a hard time in all our lives. The above picture is the only one I have of my four children together. That breaks my heart.
After the visitation, we went to our old family church where many of my ancestors are buried for a graveside service. Only close family and friends were there. I was not able to face a lot of people. My father tried so hard to comfort me. People said all the things they thought would help. Nothing helped. I was a shell of a person standing there at my baby's grave. I felt my own life was over and I had no hope of getting through this. I was medicated and numb. I didn't cry a single tear standing there because there were none left at that moment. My child was being put in the ground and I may as well be put in there with her.
Melissa was being taken away from me. I would never see her here on earth again. I would never feed her, play with her or hold her. She was leaving me but there were no goodbyes that day. Saying goodbye to Melissa would take years.
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